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Friday, November 9th, 2007
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2:49 am
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| Thursday, November 1st, 2007
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6:58 pm
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I guess its time to be emo and whiney again... Life is so annoying, I'm honestly wondering why I bother... Shouldn't there be a reset button somewhere? So as the three or four of you who might actually read this know I fairly recently got in contact with some old friends of mine, most specifically Sara Herling, who I haven't really talked to since middle school. Things couldn't;t be better, well maybe if I had a job and and X-box 360, but I'm really not that picky... All I've ever really wanted is companionship and I finally found someone who I never really get sick of, and more miraculasly seems to be able to put up with me all the time as well.
The only problem... she's loud, as am I when I'm with friends (though not nearly as bad as her). So my Landlord's a family downstairs have told me if it doesn't get quieter at night they're going to have to kick me out. I totally understand their position, as a family their schedule is one of early mornings and early bedtimes. But the fact remains what am I supposed to do? Yes, it seems simple on the outside just tell her she needs to be quiet, but the problem is I already have been telling her that, and I'm not certain she's capable. I mean is it her fault she laughs loud? Should I just stop telling jokes, or saying funny things? Kick her out at Ten PM? And how am I supposed to bring this up in conversation? It's not like I can just defy my landlords on it after all I pretty much agree with them, not like some teenage drama where one side is over reacting and blatantly wrong, well unless it's me and Sara that are wrong I guess.
I feel like I'm going to have to chose between my apartment and one of the best friends I've ever had... It's not really even a choice for me I guess, my friends have always been most important to me. So worst case scenario I guess I have to look for a new apartment, I guess thats not that bad, I still feel like I wanna stick my head on a railroad track rather then even have to think about this... so anal yet important.
Edit: Also 5 minutes after talking to my landlords my Mother calls asking if I had given them the rent and then asking me if they had "said anything" to the point where it is obvious she knew before hand. Which means they called my Mother about a problem they had with me before talking to me about it. @_@ Sigh I suspected there was an alternate reason my mom was so pressing about me moving into this apartment over any other, this pretty much confirms it. I think I need to start looking for a new apartment without any of my Mother's "contacts" involved. This of course probably doesn't change the fact I need Sara to be quiet cause any place I can find is probably going to be a apartment shared with other roommates.
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| Thursday, September 6th, 2007
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7:04 pm
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Well it's been awhile, but my life hasn't been eventful enough to really warrant a live journal update in a while; which I guess was a good thing. At the moment my psychological state might be plummeting... it's hard to tell really, at times I think it's just that I don't cope well with boredom.
Sometimes I think that I am simply the dumbest fuck in the world... and there are certainly moments of my life and decisions which would easily back that claim up; most of you who would actually read this no that to be true. I could point out alienating my entire family, or the break between me and Christy and Maria, the only two good friends I had who don't go to school somewhere else. But both of those cases I feel are justified really, though living by myself has made me regret the fact they happened.
The real reason I think I am the worlds dumbest fuck is much more "emo" then that... Why the fuck can't I get and maintain a stable relationship with a girl?I have friends who are practically married already... what the hell... I have a couple friends who are married.
Now it's true that the other half of my friends are also single, for various reasons, most of which I think I understand as well as they can be. What I don't understand is why I can't... It's probably because I care too much and try too much, but it just seems like the deck is always stacked against me in some way in relationships.
Anyway it's been bothering me for awhile, but I guess today brought it to ahead. You see I went into this semester under the idea that I have been trying to hard, and with the idea that these relationships that are good tend to come when and where people least expect them. Therefore I resolved to simply ignore women this semester, other then activities which would be normal and see what happened. Today was my third day of classes and it's been a bit rough, particularly as I live by myself now. It's hard going to class and seeing women and thinking "she's cute and probably into anime.. maybe I can find something to talk to her about after class". and then thinking to oneself "Shut up it doesn't matter stop thinking about it cause it won't work." Rather depressing.
However then we come to today second class of my tues/thurs classes bowling... and low and behold this girl, cute, seemingly my type begins talking to me pretty exclusively while we bowl, and then for the 5-10 minute walk back to campus from the alley... and then she turns to go saying: "I need to go meet up with my boyfriend, see you on Tuesday". My following thoughts were something along the lines of "Well I shoulda known that was coming" Needless to say it's like WTF I don't even get a chance? Fuck that it my not seem nice but unless god provides someone else over the weekend I am definitely going to at least try and win her over... any advice anyone? ::looks at Justin::
Anyway, I think I've about run out of frustration, one last note of worth... It is really weird living by myself on the second floor of a house very similiar to my mothers. I continually think the people from downstairs are going to come up and like tell me to do stuff or something.I don't even really no what because I don't think I've really done anything that would require complaining, hell the place is clean and for anyone who knows my old room would think thats thats a miracle.
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| Saturday, May 5th, 2007
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10:36 pm
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| Monday, April 23rd, 2007
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9:42 pm - an interesting questionare
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Stolen from triedandwired
Comment and I'll:
1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - a song, a color, a photo, etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Associate you with a character.
6. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
7. Tell you my favorite user picture of yours.
8. In return, you must post this in your LJ.
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| Sunday, April 8th, 2007
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2:50 am
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| Wednesday, April 4th, 2007
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11:42 pm
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| Monday, March 26th, 2007
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12:16 am - Oatmeal
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The odd thing about oatmeal is that really, it’s just oats in water. The soul function of the “meal” portion of the word is simple to let you know that despite the looks of them, “these oats can be eaten”
God I need sleep.
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| Wednesday, March 21st, 2007
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12:17 am
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Ok, quick update with regards to yesterdays post, gotta gets to bed for the doing of shit tomorrow. However, I felt I had to add that even though I believe friends are the greatest thing one can have on Earth it does not mean I am perfect to all of mine. We all have flaws make mistakes and; to be frank, piss the each other the fuck off at times.
The first test of a true friendship is being able to deal with being pissed off enough that you can go back to the friend and try again.
Secondly I’d like to mention that just because we may not talk that often does not mean that I don’t consider you a friend anymore. Dave, a man whose close for my best friend in this world (kind of a 3-4 way tie) I haven’t talked to in probably a year. And yet I know were we to meet this very instant we would spend the next week talking without a single moment of being tired of one another… after I got some pants on at least (getting ready for bed). That reminds me… I should really send him a link to this LJ.
Anyway, gonna be busy the next couple days, friend coming down to visit tomorrow morning till mid Thursday (not a long stay but hopefully a fun one) and then I’ve been invited to tag along to someone’s b-day party Thursday night. I say someone because I have no real clue who they are, just that I really like the people who asked me to go, it should be a good time. And then back to normal Friday, Saturday, etc… hopefully hanging out, maybe even some tmnt
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| Monday, March 19th, 2007
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10:55 pm
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I sit with the intention of writing on friendship. I may not get to it even by the end of this writing; at the moment my mind is clouded with silly thoughts. Such as an exchange between my brother and I a few moments ago:
Brother: “Do I look broader to you [meaning more muscled]?”
Me: “Yes Daniel, you look like a broad to me.”
So you can see that I am currently reeling in my thinky parts right now. Perhaps I will catch something before they make it back to the boat. Alright, one more stray thought and then I will right something serious; be it on friendship or no.
“Irreverence is the soul of comedy, and thus it is though comedy that one can find truth in many things.” – Me, defending my daily watching of the Daily Show.
I find myself seeking to write down a conversation I have had with many of you. That is with many of my friends, who are the people who read this journal. Most if not all of you will agree with me when I say that friends are the most important thing one can have in life.
This is of course entirely due to the fact that unlike any other group of people, your friends choose you entirely for who you are. There are two other main groups of people in ones life, and of course material items. If material items are more important to you then your friends, then you aren’t a friend of mine, so I need not address it.
Family, usually the second most important people in life and always the psychologically most significant group are hardly worthy of mention compared to friends. The main reason for this is unlike friends, family does not choose you (with the exception of ones wife, which in some cases isn’t even true). Family no matter how much they may claim to love you and only want what’s “good” for you, often confuse what they think is good for you, then what may be. And that’s if you have a good family.
In other cases ones family will abuse you, try to beat you into a creature subservient to the “families” ideals. These ideals will range from forcing activities on you which you do not care for, activities to which you heartily object, and even in extreme cases activities to which you bodily object.
While my family has given up on forcing me to do things to which I disapprove (at least 99% of the time). They have instead decided to just reject the person who I have become. Their disdain is barely covered by their ignorant attempts at showing family values, which is in the end, worse then if they simply did not care for me at all (physically). I live in a doppelganger family, at least the family left to me. They perform the operations of a normal family, providing food, shelter, rides, clothing… but not out of love, but rather the feeling it is their familial duty. This seems to be a rather common affliction of the suburban family in my generation, or perhaps we who have experienced it are simply drawn to one another.
Friends choose you for who you are, and rarely seek to change you. And when your friends do seek to change you it is a serious affair, not just “you’re not reaching your full potential” bullshit. Drugs, bathing habits, basic manors you may not have acquired; these are the realm of changes friends may help you with, and often they are not forced… they are recommended, sometimes with consequences. But these changes will never be about changing who you are. A friend may tell you, you need to go to the gym, but they will never tell you that you must become an athlete.
The last group of people are coworkers, who are certainly important, but often not so outside of work. In many ways co-workers tend to become friends, and sometimes they become true friends, and sometimes once one of you leaves the workplace you never speak again. Co-workers are similar to friends with two exceptions, the first being like family, they do not choose you: and even if they do it is never for who you are, but what skill set you may have. Second often the friendships are forced, like two men on a deserted island, there is often no one but your co-workers to associate with, part of the reason co-workers tend not to stay friends after work.
My point is, to everyone who reads my LJ you are my friends. Without you life would not be worth living, and to me you are more valuable then even time itself, which no man can claim more of. Perhaps it is the extreme loneliness of the last few months, or the promise of blossoming new friendships, or even the promise of achieving my dream and living with my friends in the near future that makes me write this. It is most likely a combination of all three.
And GRRM, although I doubt there is any chance of you reading this: Even though I have never met you I would like to count you as an honorary friend.
current mood:  accomplished
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| Friday, March 16th, 2007
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1:24 am
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So I find myself blessed oddly this night. I went into my e-mail, checking for the usual things, family news… and ahh, family news (I don’t really get much e-mail, being as my comp is on almost 24/7 and any who need me can send me an IM, and I own a cell phone). But tonight I found this e-mail:
Hey mother fucker I just saw your post. What the $@Q*) wrong with you
man? Do you even have a clue
what's going on? You know what man, you just need to get the FUCK OFF
THE INTERNET because you just pissing me off
man, if you were here me and my broz kick your ass to teach you a
lesson you piece of trash, don't even bother to
reply, because you can't win ya $#@*_$@
BEST YOU GO AWAY BEFORE YOU WAKE UP TO US BEATING YOUR WIFE!
(*)SharkBitter(*)
It was e-mailed to me from one jastakeme@gmail.com. First off, while I have in fact recently started a livejournal; in which this very writing shall soon be posted, I find it nigh impossible that anything I have written their could have pissed any person off so incredibly much. Which leaves two possibilities, one: This person is just a moron who got the wrong e-mail address, or two: It is someone I know, trying to be angry and scare me a failing miserably.
To be honest I highly suspect the latter. I believe this because the email resembles a alternate SN someone once used to IM me, and because I doubt there is another being with an e-mail address so close to mine that this could be the result of a typo. Granted there are reasons to suspect that this is a mis-sent e-mail. One such is the reference to my wife, a person who as far as I know, does not yet exist. Of course it could also be that the person I think it might be thinks I have gotten married, she’s dumb enough to have somehow gotten that idea.
Anyway, I say I am lucky because it is not every night I get entertainment of this level.
Granted if this person does know who my wife is destined to be I would ask they point her out to me, preferably before they beat her, I’d like to meet her at least once before she’s pissed off at me, for no apparent reason [to me] (it seems every man’s destiny to piss women off for no readily apparent reason).
Oh, btw, something of a post-script- please don’t e-mail this person. I included the e-mail I got it from mainly to see if anyone recognized it, I’d rather not have this drama dragged out by some of my more “helpful” friends. I understand that some of you may take it upon yourselves to be insulted for me by this e-mail. I assure you that it is totally unnecessary.
current mood:  amused
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| Wednesday, March 14th, 2007
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12:11 am
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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| Sunday, March 11th, 2007
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3:11 am - Anachronism?
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A brief entry before I forget... tonight it took me an hour to climb up my stairs to my room. I left the first floor at 1:59am and got to my room 3am.
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| Friday, March 9th, 2007
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12:09 am
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TronceFerir: people can’t give you inspiration
TronceFerir: you have to find it yourself, for me I've found I can force inspiration, like I told you
shadowolf: yeah...I can't
shadowolf: and that sucks
shadowolf: and there goes my last grape
TronceFerir: Write a poem about your lost grapes!!!
shadowolf: that thought crossed my mind
shadowolf: and then nothing happened
shadowolf: they were round
shadowolf: they were green
shadowolf: and now they're squishy and in my tummy
shadowolf: the end
shadowolf: did you not enjoy my poem?
shadowolf: about my grapes
TronceFerir: it was interesting I guess
shadowolf: sigh
TronceFerir: I'm tempted to write a poem about grapes myself
And then this happened:
"A Grape of Wrath"
By Timothy J. Roberts
Title by Sarah L.
Inspired by Sarah L.
this grape, it is my life
green and round and soft
I sit, in a bowl my brothers near
till that hand that picks, eats...
and I am alone, in the bowl
soft and round and helpless
juice me hand, juice me now, and let me fly
into mouth, with lips round, like me the grape
That’s right up there with my Ode to Yoo-Hoo
current mood:  quixotic
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| Thursday, March 8th, 2007
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9:10 pm - Past Writings
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I suppose I am making this journal so I have a place to put the things I write at night when I can’t fall asleep. If I’m going to vent my feelings I might as well let the world see some of them. After all, if their too volatile for me to contain within myself then it’s probably not good to contain them in my computer… could cause overheating. SO hears 2 mini-essays I’ve written and one poem, and no the poem isn’t about Michelle.
On Relations
Once again it is late night and I feel my peace of mind disrupted to the point where I must right my feelings down for you people who most likely don’t care enough to check my away messages to see what I’m up to. Or perhaps you just have better things to do.
Tonight my subject is happiness, it has for almost 4 years now been my goal to create as much happiness for myself and those around me as possible; without creating an excess of pain to others. I have failed in almost everyway in this pursuit, I have fostered created only pain and awkwardness by clinging to those who love me. Furthermore, I have pushed away many who I wished to love; for fear that I would cause them pain in some way by clinging to them.
That is the core of my discomfort, the fact that in nearly every occurrence when I truly felt for someone I have hesitated to move on them, for fear that I might cause them pain. I analyze every move I make with complete care whenever possible, and only then I move. I test waters to the point where they are dirty by the time I’m willing to jump in, and the only solution ever presented to me is to think less. Needless to say this goes against every fiber of my being and every instinct within me. So if you love me, tell me, or I will never know, for fear of hurting you.
HATE
Hate is an amazing emotion. I thought I knew it well with my mom, being the asshole she is. However after all it seems I have not learned true hatred from her. This burning fiery sensation which keeps me up at night, thinking of the pain she taught me is completely new. When you think of nothing but how there is no Earthly way to forgive what was done to you, and even if it was the end of the world and the survival of mankind depended on your coexistence with her you would rather kill it then merely coexist with the knowledge that it exists near you.
I apologize to those of you who may be disturbed at this rant of mine, but when its 3 am and the mere stray thought of an entity you haven’t had contact with since October brings you to nearly flaming rage from an almost total slumber, something needs to be said.
And if you are out there reading this, which you shouldn’t be… I haven’t blocked you so it is possible. I still love you, if I didn’t I couldn’t hate you this much… but; god willing, I will never make the mistake of forgiving you.
Poem x-13 (real name to be made up someday)
Kissed by fate
Kissed by fortune
Girl, who touched my heart
First thoughts of my day
First and all in my heart
I missed you today
And I’ll never hurt you again
Kindness let me love again, the
First to feel my wounds, the
First to hold me, the
First I failed, the
First I ever missed’
And ever shall I miss you
And I’ll never forget
current mood:  bored
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7:47 pm - creating this thing
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SO I'm working on this LJ thing, shoub be amusing to post some of my writings. More posted soon.
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tronceferir's journal